isn't that the ultimate

i am a little confused at what i should be doing right now. i feel the rug has been yanked out from underneath me. i was on a track, so it seemed, to a place of fulfillment and satisfaction, only to find myself searching now for the track that takes the next train to the closest stop at highland park village. there is such a fine line between wanting to be honest and complaining. i am not wanting to be a complainer but sometimes voicing a concern out of honest introspection seems the only reasonable, viable, option even though it shares the same vocal inflection of complaining. i don't, thinking back, believe i am a complainer, ordinarily. maybe that is a part of me that is hidden from my view and is evident to everyone else. i found myself collapsing in the shower last night under the mental pressure of the state i am in right now. do i pretend to have the heaviest baggage? no absolutely not! time to time, however, i wonder if i can carry a lighter load. i am not questioning the goodness of god, that is not what this is about. at times like this i think questioning my commitment to him is more appropriate. sorta like, is this, what i am experiencing, a product or a reaping of what i have been, for a while, sowing? maybe, i am not qualified to make this call. i don't think anyone but god is really but i notice in my life i project the causes of, or responses to something miserable, or horrible on my actions, thoughts, or words. in research that i have done this really isn't a fault of the individual but rather those the individual listens to in times of prosperity. being around a vast population of six figured incomes i am trying to put together as to how the load for me could be lighter. business men, or "whatever men," meeting together to discuss current politics, market, and other high class society issues whilst having a place of comfort where their wive or mistress can relax and not carry stressful loads that would otherwise wake them up in the early hours of the morning seems like the life to lead. the life i want to lead. the latter part anyway about a wife with no constrictions on her that are not meant for her to bare. i have been dreaming of this a long time. long before i ever set foot in the highland park village starbucks. this is the defense i have set in place for the issue of greed. it isn't greed for me, or liz. i know this because we both were prepared mentally, physically, and emotionally to go bare bones on our income for the sake of making lifewalk a success. sell the house, car, kid, arms, legs whatever to make a place suitable for satisfaction. the proverb, "the Lord causes rain to fall on the righteous and unrighteous" seems appropriate, but WHERE'S MY FREAKING RAIN?!?!? this proverb has no bar or limitations on what i am doin! lord help me! righteous or unrighteous it makes no difference there is an abundance. ah...but maybe the proverbs intent is to shed light on what is really of importance? what my needs are? what my needs aren't? is this the same thing? i am really feeling for those who have walked, been faithful, and for the longest time have been unfulfilled, or they have settled and lowered the bar of fulfillment to an inappropriate level. i guess that is my concern. i strongly feel, or did feel, the lord had this for me but since things changed i can see where those dreams, visions, and ideas become less important and drowned out by flashier necessities of my personal life. 

maybe that is the true test.