Friday, September 5, 2008

not you again

about one year ago i was called into an office and told by people who genuinely care about me that they think the world of me, and that they want me to continue to work for the church, but under the certain circumstances there is no money in the budget to pay me. wow! is what i thought and i knew that those at the church are not telling me necessarily that my gifting is not worth it but rather the position is not on the list of priorities. ok, i thought, no problem, god's got me taken care of. and he did one week later. someone who did not go to the church began paying my salary. whew, what a relief, right? well things progressed, as they should, at the church and ideas of grander things and greater opportunities were becoming evident. well, one problem, the church still doesn't have the money to pay me. my supporter informed me that there would be openings to work for him and that is what he would like for me to do if he was going to continue contributing to me. i need him to at this point because i don't have a job, and i know the church doesn't have the salary anytime soon to give to me. so as it seems, at this present point, i am at a halt in my plans for what i was thinking about doing. am i scared? no not at all, i know god will provide, he always has, he always will. i am more or less just concerned about my willingness to do, or say yes to something so quickly. i am beginning to see how vulnerable this makes me to people, even those who serve the kingdom of god. are people taking advantage of me, i truly don't think so. i do think however, that one who continues to be in a place of serving will never be able to experience the sending. i love working for the ministry, i really do. and i would hate to work a 9-5 job like the average man. 

i am faced with pretty much the same dilemma i was faced with last year. i am wondering, who is being tested, and who's faith is gonna be stronger as a result. in all honesty, i am so willing to break my back, bending over backwards, in order to be in a place of fulfillment. ultimately, i know when i look back after years of fulfillment that it was not a sacrifice at all. but i feel sometimes when i publicly express my willingness to bend over backwards, i am the one who seems to get taken advantage of. it sure seems easy for me to stay at the bottom of the totem pole. man, i hate being on the verge of letting it all out but knowing that by doing that i will create more harm than good. so i face this challenge again. the thought of "well, if it was important to have me here enough to someone, i would be here." maybe that is why i am still here, cause it's important to god enough. i know it's not me, it's the position i so happen to fill.

i am glad god's seeing it all working out


1 comment:

Lolly said...

Where in the WORLD did that picture come from? You are definitely the most creative person I know! It looks nothing like my grandson.