Thursday, June 25, 2009

5 golden rings

in light of the most significant day of the year in my marriage i had wanted to post something to honor my "fembot." not that she is a robot who's only function is to provide sex appeal, or that she prances around in sexually provocative lingerie with her hair pulled up but yet flowing like a golden waterfall. i secretly enjoy pet names yet i am too proud to call her by the typical babe, honey, or sweetie. so calling her my fembot is therapeutic. this is a moment i am willing to disclose personal information about myself without shame. i think that wives unconsciously and secretly enjoy these types of moments when their husbands are willing to admit to being proud and disclose humbling information about themselves in an open forum.

so liz and i are at 5 years in our marriage. this is great, monumental in some circles, and by today's standards we have been able to conquer statistics that reveal otherwise without ripping each others heads off. liz we have found ourselves in crisis on many occasions. the things i remember about these crisis or situations, which don't necessarily involve our marriage, are the talks you have given me to lift my spirits. i wouldn't say i am a completely dysfunctional human being but there have been things that have wrecked my confidence, decisions that i regret making, and even a type of person i wished i was but sadly am not and these particular things have all been spilled upon you because you are there. with all humility i praise god for the wife that you are. you have heard and seen the basket case that i am, at different times, and have been the words of wisdom and the anchor for me in a rushing stream. you know those moments that i have felt as though letting go would be easiest and more beneficial, liz, you continue to find new ways to keep me going when i didn't even think i had that much left in the tank. every april, every november when i have procrastinated on papers, tests, or projects that are all due by the end of that month, i have had the same attitude..."i can't do this," yet you have had the magic wand with your words to remind me of the previous times i have overcome harder times and made it to where i am now. most importantly you have done all of this without allowing me to be completely dependent upon your presence. i have been able to remember your strength and will power to endure hard times even when your NOT present. i have said it many times and i say it again that you are the completion of me in areas that i lack the most. you are the person i think of when i think true love. and its not just me who notices this about you. there have been countless testimonials about the measure of your love, the depth of your grace, and the never ending supply of your wisdom. if people can't see jesus in you then they need only to spend another moment hearing your words that express the heart of a loving king for his people. i can't and don't want to spend another moment imagining what my life would be like without you. this last week that i have experienced away from you, while you are in alaska, i tend to think about how real the emptiness of this home would be without you in it. how incomplete my life is without you beside me, and how meaningless it would be to plan for the future without you walking with me through it. i thought about the possibilities of it being over, like statistics say it should be by now, and i have come to understand that the greatest mysteries of our marriage are but a moment away. those mysteries will never end as long as jesus is our center, and you are my second. i vow to continue to make you my second and to strive to make you happy outside of the bedroom as much as i can inside the bedroom. i promise to love you when you are perfect AND love you when you are the farthest from it...and all in between. i promise to support you when are weak, to hold you when you are frail, and to mend you when you are broken. i can't remember a better 5 year span of my life. i am looking forward to the moment we are in our 80' and living and breathing as though we are in our 30's and looking back and saying that we couldn't recall a better time to be living. not because of our choices to be healthier, or our success as people, not because we accomplished so much or raised kids to be god fearing believers, not because we made a name for ourselves, or we were able to win people to the lord, not because we have friends or maybe by that point we won't have any friends...but because we will be living with each other side by side from the beginning.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

any male can be a fertilizer

i know dutch may never read this. i can't help but write it anyway because of this days importance for him more so than for me. it is a day of honor for dads but i hope that it can be understood that without the sons or daughters there would be no dads. there may still be fathers but because of the offspring there becomes a chance for a "father" to become more than a fertilizer. i love this opportunity, i embrace this opportunity, and i hope that my son experiences all the good, the bad, and the ugly in order to mature him to what god wants him to be. i thought about if i would want my kid to be in a situation where he grows up with anything he wants or if he were to grow up living in need, basically not getting anything he wanted, i don't have an answer. i think they are both pointing to a depraved mind. i know i will protect him to the fullest capacity, i will nourish him to my fullest capability, i will discipline him in my deepest love for growth, but he will use his free will, hopefully to pursue his creator to his fullest capacity. i know, ultimately, that would make me the happiest dad and that is what i want this day to be for me as long as my children are alive. 

i thought about those days, when i worked at the church, i was able to be with him one day out of the week. it was peanut and i all day long. i took those single days for granted, because i can't do that now. i thought about this on my way to work and broke down crying because of the importance of not just father figures but "dad" figures, which are needed for everyone...yes EVERYONE.

dutch's first word was actually "no" and this doesn't count because every kid is told this the first 2 years of their existence. if i can recall his next word was "dadd-y" with such an emphasis on the "y." i guess this makes me happy because with the emphasis on the last letter it makes it sound so much more joyful. go ahead try saying it with the emphasis on the "y" and call your dad, dadd-y today cause it makes for a wonderful phrase. the way my son says it will stick with me the rest of my life.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

having relations

i am a guy who gets caught up in "what could be better." i take a lot of realities and distort them by imagining what it would look like under different circumstances. i see relationships that are so fruitful, mature, real, genuine, and capable of so much and grow envious to some extent. i guess the better word is jealous. there are so many attributes in other's relationships that i long to have in my relationships; so i will easily overlook the brilliance of what has been taking place right before my eyes. for those who have been such a key role in shaping who i am i thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. there are to many to name names who have invested a substantial amount. if i may give you an example of what i am talking about, i have two friends who are brilliant musicians. they have connected so well that this has formed a unique bond if only they could see the magnitude and impact it has had on my life. i constantly hear stories of there experiences together and in many tales it would appear as though they have been brothers in some other life. they are very dear to me as well, both of them. but in this example i am talking about how i see their relationship together and envy it for myself, with them on an individual level, or even with someone else of the same caliber. this has some unfortunate side effects to it. it causes a great deal of disturbances in my perceptions of the genuine relationships i already have outside the two said individuals. i cherish each and every relationship and the unique and dynamic contribution they bring to my life. i honestly don't have any idea as to what i could attribute this distorted capability too. but i don't like it, i know that much. it causes problems on a lot of fronts but most notable are the affects on the one's closest to me. it puts me in a position to constantly compare what i currently have with this individual with what i think i could have with another. the other complication is if i see something great about two people and it appears to be better than what i have, i become jealous for the relationship that the other two have; i then will attempt to subconsciously get out of the relationship i have to pursue the "other" two and be apart of their dynamic. i do this a lot and it isn't very fair to my loved ones whom are investing even more to my well-being. it has a lot to do with what alfred adler called the lifestyle. the lifestyle is a psychological map of self and world that becomes our guide for action as we strive to overcome feelings of inferiority. it is composed of 4 parts:
  • self-concept - view of self "as is"
  • self-ideal - view as one ought to be
  • picture of the world - one's model of why the things work as they do outside of oneself
  • ethical convictions - how the world should operate outside of oneself
these concepts are generally shaped and formed with a large part of influence due to the "painting on the canvas" from guardians and caregivers in childhood, as cliché as that sounds. i love my relationships, all of them, and i know that in each and every one, even the bad one's, there is some degree of growth and maturity that i need and will need for future development. so all this to say that in relationships, all relationships, humans find meaning. not all meaning. but it is not exclusive from the creator but through the creator. if we are to believe that we are created in the image of god, and even he has placed so much emphasis on a meaningful relationship with us, there should be an, although finite, equal pursuit of others in an attempt to pursue our heavenly father. this must take place despite our frailties and distortions of how we perceive the health of said relationships are. go and have relations with others!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

sounds like you have a problem

kind of a big day today. i am meeting with clients for the first time in my professional career. i go today to counsel someone and help them with issues. i am so excited and nervous all at the same time. i guess it is a balancing effect because my excitement gets my adrenaline flowing while the nervous side of me calms me back down to reality. this is huge even though it is not a paying gig. i don't know what to expect and maybe that is good but in recent experience not knowing has proven to be a headache. lets see if the money for education has been paying off. i will let you guys know what kind of nut jobs are out there!