Tuesday, October 14, 2008

is that it...nah

i wonder what the innate gene is that individuals get which enables them to enjoy risks. i am not a risk taker. i actually enjoy the comfort level way more than than turning the heat up. i guess this is the reason i do not play the economy game of stocks and bonds. for some reason its more than that though. i do not get motivated to be more or do something better. there is not one particular thing on this earth that could drive me to be a greater success. actually, i almost go the opposite way. i would rather not try, many times knowing that the risk is not even a risk at all, than get away from what i  know to be true in my immediate circumstance. what can i do to get comfortable? this reflection comes from my current situation, but primarily from what i can account for retrospectively over a lifetime. i am not sure at all what keeps me from desiring a great thing, or a great chance. the lord? maybe. its hard to say cause even though i have such a huge burden for a genuine culture to embrace discipleship, it is apparent, this burden is not great enough for me to stand in the midst of opposition. i am not wavering on what i know i am called to do. i am just disappointed at how long it is taking for it to happen. liz and i laid in bed talking this over, she really helped me. i was telling her how i don't carry a drive to accomplish the best or the greatest possible. for example, cause i feel this lacks illustration, david lancashire, the guy who i currently work for, is not comfortable with his current position. he has to be using his skills as an entrepreneur again and again. he sold his company that he started last summer and is now in the midst of doing more projects. it certainly isn't money that drives him, well, i can't say that for sure. david has a drive i admire and wish i had. he is just not satisfied. i use him as an example not for exposure to any flaws he has, cause you and i both have just as many, but to reveal a very great quality to admire about anyone. i know there are many, i know personally, who have this ability to be driven to success and i wonder what it is that allows them to be so great at it. i think about the reasons i don't, or am not motivated to go higher and be greater. one reason i know is one that many deal with and many can overcome, this is the resistance of being a failure. i suffer from it. no matter how many accomplishments one can point to my life and say, "look here, and look here, you have been motivated to take risk," it's all hindsight, isn't it? you tell me then that it would look the way it does now and i would have no problem with being driven to that level of success cause i would know the end product. but failure is a huge issue. another contributor to my lack of motivation to be a success is i wonder if people are thinking, "i could do it so much better than that." even when i was told that liz and i could do lifewalk i already made up my mind that no matter what i do there are gonna be so many who analyze and think, "wow, i would have done that way differently." i didn't want to, and still don't, be at odds with anyone, wanting everyone to be satisfied with whatever i put my hands to. i need counseling i know. but i am not gonna try and excuse myself. part of it is not my fault. but most if it is. i wish i had the guts sometimes to stand up to people i feel have wronged me and state my emotional condition. lord knows i could do it reasonably and righteously. but again, this is where i lack the drive to be something else. a people pleaser. and even when i would meet with josh or nathan my stance was, unconsciously, to come off stronger on certain issues. maybe i did that to make up for the softer, none driven, unmotivated personality that was my actual self, i don't know. but whatever the case, i am not satisfied, obviously, and wish i could hit that "jackpot button" that everyone keeps talking about, in my life, but fails to payout. 


mbriscoe said...

well, you're almost done with your master's degree. That sounds like someone with drive.

bullets said...