i gained a clearer glimpse of this concept this last weekend. as the annual celebration of our nations birth approached i realized, unlike years previous, that i was out of the loop as to what people were doing to commemorate. i knew my dad had been out of town and he was starving for family time. i knew that my sister had just been married and i really haven't been around to talk with them as much. i knew that i see my friends a lot anyway and spend time with friends on a regular basis. of course, my parents will jump at any opportunity to see peanut...even now as my mom, on her day off, calls us to see if we can drop him off over at her house to watch him. all this put together means that liz and i will be spending the evening over at my parents. i had to work until 4pm. that whole time in my working mode i was fixed on eating the salmon i had bought for the occasion, eating the homemade ice cream my mother was fixing, sharing conversation with my dad and new brother, and swimming with my son in a pool that was a perfect 87 degrees. while in the pool, with a floating noodle underneath my butt, keeping me afloat, i conceded to that fact that this was truly a great time to be alive. i was proud to have a family that, for the most part, was functional my whole life and a place that i could retreat for peace of mind. this was the definition i found in my family, a middle ground for sanity; a safe haven for clarity of thought, and a place that reason and rationality would be brought back to reality. in that moment i felt how good god was, i could only describe the feeling as one might feel after a burdensome week was over and the next part of the journey was a steady down hill decline.
i have found myself being someone that i don't desire to be at this particular stage in my life, critical, depressed, unproductive, lacking motivation, and in some moments without vision. although i cannot vow to be someone else. i find that my life is and cannot be defined by this last year and a half of unwanted surprises and disappointments. i am striving and striving to prove something to somebody...i don't know who or what but it won't rest. and yet everything i experience is not as good as it could be. this weekend was the most fulfilling i have had in a long time and i am so grateful i didn't pass it up.