oh she is, oh she is

i am married to an incredible woman. i have seen and experienced so much my interpretation is limited on this forum. i would like to share some thoughts on woman and her ability, as i have seen through my wife and not her only but the amazing women i consider friends. it is quite obvious man is different. created differently, therefore, acting differently throughout his life. likewise, he interprets things differently and responds differently. i believe that man, through his creation, can help or hinder those features of his woman that are meant to grow her into what god has intended. so then it means he has an influence in his wife's created order to help her see god the way she needs to and help her to understand how god sees her the way she needs to. undeniably his woman has formulated an opinion about many things and has established a worldview prior to their meeting and joining. the development, much like physiological development, does not stop at any certain age or occurrence. so by this i mean that despite her supposition she still is able to continue growing her current assumptions of life and likewise, change her current assumption of life. this is what i would think of when i think of god's redemptive purpose in marriage, for both parties.

with that said, let me share a thought about woman that her husband, or man, may influence but has no ability to gain through any influence of his wife. that is the idea of nourishment. i can only explain it by telling you of the amazing character and opinion of life that still remains even after her complete giving of herself in ways that man would otherwise resort to hopelessness. my recent experience looks like this:

1.) her desire for another life

this alone changes the dynamic of family in such a way that in many ways and in many unconscious opinions is not tolerable. the man thinks of the negative aspects and the struggles that come with another life involved in the already hectic and taxing existence. not that man does not desire babies or creating life, but rather, i believe he has a limited desire compared to that of his wife's. it is huge because those with children can attest on some level that the woman's desire trumps mans fear and pessimism. i don't believe man hates children and if you read this and think i am saying that, than your missing the point. i love my children and would not trade my previous environment for the current one. but i would only be able to actually say this and live this if i had my wife with me. this is what i believe is the divine nature of god working to influence my understanding of my need for my wife in ways that are not tangible or affordable by any monetary means.

2.) pregnancy

this encompasses tolerance, pain, agony, fear, and incredible discomfort. all the while, instilling hope, courage, power, and reinforcing her ability to be what god had created her to be. this gives god an incredible amount of glory and honor. this might explain, in some form, why it is so long. obviously the baby needs time to grow and develop within the womb but if god had wanted it to be created instantly than he could have done this with just one spoken word. length suggests more than just development. it possess all things needed to encourage the woman in her ability to nourish. this is why man possibly will never get nourishment the way his wife does. will he possess the capability to nourish? yes he will, but this is extremely taxing on his mental capacity.

3. the birthing

i really don't need to share to much about this aspect. childbirth is very hard on a woman's body and rightfully so. there is nothing like it for a man i can imagine. ok maybe a kidney stone passing thru but lets be honest, man has no desire for a kidney stone like a woman contains for a child to be born. what i think is so fascinating about the design of a woman is that the word says she will bare a child in pain. it is not a secret and she knows it is coming and can fully expect that every time she has a child she will experience pain. yet, for some reason, she still desires a child and after the whole process of pregnancy, childbirth, and late night feedings, she will yet forget it all in an instant at the sight of her baby. it is like her mind switches to a different mode, or she has been flashed with one of those gadgets like in that movie, men in black to erase her memory of the incredible amount of pain this little thing has put her through. it is truly amazing and can only be attributed to divine order. the word says she will experience pain and yet desire her husband. as if to suggest there is a part of her that feels a mandate to procreate and pursue her husband despite the pain it will possibly bring. phenomenal!

4.) child rearing

the late night feedings, the sore nipples, limited communication, and the tangible expenditures are just a few of the many expectations in child rearing. how a woman is able to endure and yet maintain a somewhat calm demeanor is beyond my understanding. i am not naive and i believe there is a bigger role for the husband in this part of the child's existence that contributes to the sanity of the mother. but there is obviously another level of operation that a woman can attain that is beyond my comprehension. the word talks about man's punishment in the fall dealing with the things he works towards. i mean that in his lifetime, all that he is trying to develop, there will be somewhat of a obstacle in his ability to produce. this is consistent in all things not just in provision of food, and growing crops. i have never worked a field in my life and think that there are many like me who have never even plowed a field. it is not talking about farmers but rather what man strives to obtain, in all entities. so when man wants love, he works at it and endures obstacles that may prevent his object from receiving his love and likewise from him getting love. when he wants any business to grow he works at it; late hours, money, time, and sacrifice of personal pleasure in order to find success. this has an influence in his ability to nourish his children. whereas it comes at such an incredibly natural and easy response for a woman, man struggles to nourish his kids, love his wife, and maintain all the other things that correlate with life. i think this is where a lot of men draw from when their wife suggests having another baby. they begin to think about their own personal struggles and then the struggles that are present with child rearing. this introduces a significant need a husband has for the wife, not just a woman, but a wife.

this is a recent revelation of the woman i married. i then can see it in the other women i know. i think it is so amazing how something that is important for my body, like sleep, will change my demeanor in such a drastic way if i don't get enough. for my wife, it seems, she could stay up all night with little titus and wake the next morning without a hesitation in her step. i know she would feel it. but for me, if i miss 3 hours in the middle of the night the whole world will hear about it the next day. she is truly amazing to be able to wake in an instant from a dead sleep, attend to her child's needs, and then return to bed only getting a few hours before she must wake for her daily duties. shame on me for my laziness, and shame on me for not loving her because of her character, and divine attributes. shame on me for allowing vanity and deceitful entities as charm and beauty to be the at the forefront of my ability to love my wife the way god as mandated husbands to love their wife. not that i don't think she is beautiful on the outside...oh she is, oh she is.

again, yeah

i was putting my son to bed and we were about to say our prayers and express gratitude to jesus and it hit me that this will be one of the last nights i have with my son were it will be the two of us. it will be one of the last nights i will tuck him in as my only one and brush his hair from his face and kiss his cheek. he will obviously be my son forever but i was struck with a sense of sadness and joy that i am able to have the opportunity to carry him up the stairs, put him in his jammies, grip him ferociously has he tries to scramble away from me once he has no clothes on, and stare him in the eyes as we go down the list of people he wants to bless and confess with his mouth that he loves. he is truly a piece of art from the most high god. as i leaned in to his face and kissed his cheek my facial hair brushed his neck and he began to giggle. he said to me the words i will never forget as long as i live "again, yeah!" of course i could not resist. it hits me even now with tears, as i right this, the amount of joy i find in just looking at him and thinking about how great it is to be his father knowing he is already a "man of god."

it hit me right before sleep last night. you know that feeling you get before the big day of something that is going to happen? a shot of adrenaline goes through you and you then can't let your mind rest, you know that feeling; like christmas eve, or the night before a big trip? well as i lay in bed i began to think heavily about my next son and his character, his personality, what will make him cry, and then how am i going to be able to comfort him and give him the sense of warmth and security he will need to embrace the world around him. how am i going to be able to contain myself? i am a crier and i will cry. i know it, just like when dutch came. i can't wait to wake from the most uncomfortable hospital bed/couch and walk over to his little sleeping cube and look into his eyes. those are the moments i can honestly say i reflect dutch's same enjoyment in something truly pleasurable, i will close my eyes, think of god's amazing and loving gifts and say to my spirit...again, yeah!

(DISCONNECT)

the condition i find you in as i read and hear you as we dialogue is a condition that reflects a distorted personal view of how god sees you. this distortion of how god sees you then distorts your view of yourself, which inevitably distorts how you will see others and interpret how they see you. you have written poems and said things that echo great desire. these words bare your soul, which sounds as if it is on a search. this distorted view is then used as the map that leads you in the wrong direction to a very real destination that your soul is not really longing to see. hurt, pain, loneliness, rejection, separation, desertion, aloneness, incompletion, and contemptment are all arrows pointing to a fracture of the every day man.

where do we disconnect from each other? if you and i are the same, bearers of that same fracture of the every day man, where do we separate from each other? all of the descriptors above are found in the make up of you and me on any given day but we still differ in that you are there and i am here? what is the disconnect? we disconnect in our current perspective of how we see god and how he sees us. it is clear in your narrative that your view of how god sees you is distorted. you and i both are born with a broken way of seeing things. can you be honest and say that you see god as a protector, provider, good, loving, caring, and a giver of good things? i don't believe that you do, you know how i can tell? your description of yourself: alone, rejected by those you value, emptiness, loneliness and isolation. all of these indicate your current perspective. you truly do not feel god's empathetic concern for your incompletion and longing. scripture clearly contradicts what you are feeling and telling me right now, which tells me something else, you are not reading scripture in a way to get to know god and how he feels about you. is more scripture reading the answer? probably not. but what is the answer is a clear understanding of who god really is and how he sees you. this will help how you see you and synonymously how you see the world despite the broken lenses you contain and use as a filter for everything.

analytical soil

thinking of many things to say about this trip. i was blown away by the magnitude of acceptance. i really have thought a lot of how europeans would accept the fact that some americans, more importantly texans, would come over to belgium and save it. well maybe not those exact words because who are we kidding here, texans aren't going to save anyone but themselves, right? i was thinking about this and it was important to me not to have any "dude with a tude" type of mentality to think i had what europe needs. i know i am not going to BRING jesus to belgium, because he is already there. i believe awareness is the key. this is, actually, what our focus was this trip. as i was returning home i was concentrating on the report brought back to the states. it means everything to our future. i want to be the spy who brings back the good report of the land about to be invaded. jeff serio said it right that it will be similar to plowing concrete but whatever analogy you want to use something is ready and needing to happen or break or whatever. so allow me to be one of the spies who brings the report of the harvest in europe.

1. it's ready

while ministering in the conference the team and i were able to pretty much prophecy over everyone in our workshops. even with a dismissal (the workshop was technically over) the young minds and hearts were there and still engaged. this tells me something. one of the many observations made was of the young person who wanted to cry, sing out, laugh, or pray, but was noticeably judging the effect of such an action. it makes me wonder if there has been a legitimate scolding from spiritual authority or if this is just the natural occurrence of a generation who has not been feeding their soul it's "proper" nourishment. it's hard to admit this for me, seeing as i like to find the root issue in dysfunction, but it doesn't matter. and i think the adversary would enjoy those investing their time in the harvest of europe to run in circles trying to find out which came first the chicken or the egg! but the truth is that work is needed, and laborers are few. where are the laborers in the land now? they are there. or the one's that made the first wave are there still but are strangely aimless. i am not sure why, and i am definitely not judging their work. they laid a seed bed that will be harvested by future harvesters. maybe that is ninth hour, maybe that is you, maybe that is someone in the future, i am not certain at this point. there is a remnant and the desire is there, or the desire to blossom and bring to fruition is there and the harvest is unable to continue in its growth because like a rose pedal it must be cut and pruned in order to grow again in greater proportion. that is how i view the current state in europe or more specifically belgium.

2. it's cancerous

as insensitive as that word may be it provides the shocking idea of the flow of these small cells i would like to refer to as the remaining remnant. even within the conference, i noticed the cancerous possibility of a group of young people who could mobilize their efforts to gain divine momentum. make no mistake, there are those in europe who are hungry and are praying. possibly what they have been praying and seeking god for is what ninth hour comes to bring. it would be very arrogant for me to really say that, but to believe it in my heart and mind is another story. i was approached by a few, who had heard, that there was a house of prayer being started in brussels and they had expressed much interest in helping and being apart. these individuals were not just teenagers but young and old alike. talk about exciting! i see it starting as awkward 2 hour intimate prayer and worship meetings with individuals who are only linked by a common desire to see god move in belgium. growing from this, i envision individual experiences that are hardly containable to our little prayer gathering.

3. it's undefinable

i mean this in the strictest sense that there is a deep, deep drive to pursue the harvest, yet all strategies remain divinely appointed. while we had meetings with key figures the common question was "how are you going to do this?" i wonder if others who have since left and been successful have been able to mark key strategies and define it as absolute. i wouldn't think anyone would have the guts to say, if successful, that they are were they are because they had some great ideas or it was because of them. i hope my point is getting across. ninth hour's hunger is there. i hunger for what i am unable to see at this point in belgium and beyond but i am sure for anything to happen it must start with "no-bodies" and end just the same. i think this particular "undefinable" characteristic is synonymous with the generations represented. this is what is so amazing about how god has moved so richly for the generations at our church and this deep seeded passion has not left those members of ninth hour. nathan received a word from the lord on the way to belgium concerning this generational involvement. it was concerning what joel had said about the old men dreaming dreams and the young men with vision. i am paraphrasing but it went like this...the old men dream dreams, and without the old men dreaming those dreams the young men CANNOT carry vision, and our purpose is to provide service and vision to those in the land of belgium who have longed and dreamed for revolution, we will lose the vision if we don't serve the older generation's dreams. it was great because our meetings all contained men AND women who are well established in their faith in god and are so ready for this to happen and are so ready to support us as we come to serve those things they have had on their hearts for a very long time. i believe ultimately god desires and WILL appoint those who are not in it to make an impression for their name. you can try and build huge crusades and monumental conferences while getting amazing speakers but i don't think that is for belgium. a contrite and humble heart is a better approach.

i am not desiring to make a model and dissect it to gain a marketing tool for success. most, if not everything, will happen i believe as suddenly as "a sound like a rushing wind" passing through our midst. change will happen, change will occur and if i am to be the one to help push this along then great (however, my heart is anxious to do so) but if not then lord may it come and may it come quickly.

cj 2009

my desires were simple...make an impact that will not part at the doors but be a plant that produces fruit. i hope, in my thinking and understanding, that this fruit would be manifested and ready quickly. realistically, or ideally, when a plant has been surrounded by weeds for so long and the choking of truth has been so prevalent, the labor is intense. i'm determined, however, and my heart had quickly gained a burden it needed to release within the few days we (nathan, jon v., al) had been able to minister at this gathering of young people. the set up of all the equipment was no less important in our desire to touch this generation and grab a hold of them. one major drawback was that our wives were not present with us this year and all three of them have a keen eye for decor. i really missed my wife liz on this trip and knew as i lay in bed praying for her every night that she was not meant to minister in another environment than i. i always knew this but oh, how the mind needs constant reminders of the wonders of god's direction through small little gaps in the every day flow of things.

my anticipation was that i would meet many on their level, at their experiences with life at the cj. i was hoping that every single young person would gain a life changing experience. my teaching reflected this hope.

day 1:

nathan and our good friend matt lankenau, from the ei in berlin taught in the workshop. their teachings focused on an awakened heart. i knew this is exactly what god was speaking to me as well as stirring it in me before i set foot on the land. in my perspective, being awakened, or not being awakened, is not a sin. however, there is a natural consequence to not having a focus on god's heart and what the spirit is saying...because it constantly is, or doing...because it constantly is. i think the natural inclination is that of satisfaction of our soul's longing. we, as a generation and culture, are neck deep and saturated in alternative cures and fulfillments. because of our saturation a change from the inside out is required. we couldn't, even in our own strength combat the principalities and darkness in the first place without the same spirit that was present in jesus and raised him from the dead.

day 2:

al and i spoke and my key point was a change that educated us to drink from the living well of god's unchanging love so that our purpose, identity, and joy will be able to respond well, whether our life's circumstances are going great or not. before i spoke, the day earlier, i had struck up a conversation with a young teen (16/17) about where she was from and what she wanted to get from the conference. we began discussing the gospel and i asked her how many of her friends serve jesus as she does. she could not name one. shocking yet real. i noticed a problem with her legs as she came in and sat down. this issue forces her to walk with crutches to brace herself. i asked her if anyone has prayed over her, and when the last time she prayed over herself. she answered back that it has been years. she couldn't even remember. she told me that she had surgery on her legs and that the doctors messed up and it resulted in this lifelong trauma. needless to say i was crushed. i had no idea what to say or ask, so i said, "why do you think god has not healed you yet?" she responded, "i don't have enough faith." i was heartbroken and knew that the enemy had fed her this lie to distract her from god's undivided love for her. i told her that was a lie and that god wanted her healed. i encouraged her that even though we may not see change on the outside, god most definitely is doing something, it just may be on the inside. she teared up and then confessed to bitterness and anger at the doctors. she also confessed to unforgiveness and bitterness towards god for not doing anything about it. i know god is far my concerned with the condition of her heart, but how do you reveal that to someone in such a condition without coming off as insensitive? this is the condition of millions of young people alike, across europe. individuals who are harboring a cold, bitter, and unforgiving heart, who are far more satisfied with the "slavery in egypt" than the "liberation of the cross" through sanctification in the promised land. meanwhile, i knew god was doing something on the inside of her as we had the whole team and those in our workshop lay hands on her and pray. the next day at the night service, her countenance was far greater. i walked up to her on the front row before the service began and could tell immediately by the divine joy, represented by a smile bigger than the theory of relativity, that god was doing his work in her heart. i asked her how she felt in her legs, she had almost completely forgotten about her physical ailment. her issues with her legs were not a hindrance in her worship to her god. he will bring glory to his name through the healing in her heart, and the healing in her legs. praise god for his transformation that is not limited to, or manifested only in physical healing. this was confirmation of the word god had given me in our workshop teachings about god's interest in being the satisfaction of our soul's craving. make no mistake, our soul longs and craves. without an understanding of what or why our soul's long and that the fulfillment is only in their creator our souls will continue to ache and we will search for gratification. sadly, we choose to quench the craving by focusing or honing in on seasonal gratification that lasts only a little while. the living water of christ is such that it provides refreshment and satisfaction for the longing of the soul, for a lifetime.