it hit me right before sleep last night. you know that feeling you get before the big day of something that is going to happen? a shot of adrenaline goes through you and you then can't let your mind rest, you know that feeling; like christmas eve, or the night before a big trip? well as i lay in bed i began to think heavily about my next son and his character, his personality, what will make him cry, and then how am i going to be able to comfort him and give him the sense of warmth and security he will need to embrace the world around him. how am i going to be able to contain myself? i am a crier and i will cry. i know it, just like when dutch came. i can't wait to wake from the most uncomfortable hospital bed/couch and walk over to his little sleeping cube and look into his eyes. those are the moments i can honestly say i reflect dutch's same enjoyment in something truly pleasurable, i will close my eyes, think of god's amazing and loving gifts and say to my spirit...again, yeah!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
i was putting my son to bed and we were about to say our prayers and express gratitude to jesus and it hit me that this will be one of the last nights i have with my son were it will be the two of us. it will be one of the last nights i will tuck him in as my only one and brush his hair from his face and kiss his cheek. he will obviously be my son forever but i was struck with a sense of sadness and joy that i am able to have the opportunity to carry him up the stairs, put him in his jammies, grip him ferociously has he tries to scramble away from me once he has no clothes on, and stare him in the eyes as we go down the list of people he wants to bless and confess with his mouth that he loves. he is truly a piece of art from the most high god. as i leaned in to his face and kissed his cheek my facial hair brushed his neck and he began to giggle. he said to me the words i will never forget as long as i live "again, yeah!" of course i could not resist. it hits me even now with tears, as i right this, the amount of joy i find in just looking at him and thinking about how great it is to be his father knowing he is already a "man of god."