the god of hot chocolate

i've taken a step back and breathed in a deep breath. i've sighed heavily and just been able to think long about things. i have been without a regular job since the 5th of this month. during this time i have been forced to live without things. the month of december, thankfully, was a month of plenty for me. i had big gatherings of family, food, good times, and blessings but the month of january has been a little bit less promising...or so i would think. 

the budget of the average american family probably looked similar to mine last year: a few hundred dollars a month on groceries, money for savings, money for car issues, money for clothes, money for missions, and most importantly money for entertainment. i couldn't imagine life without a budget for entertainment. i can call to mind the previous jobs and the lifestyles that went with them. when i got married i had been employed by the same company that has employed over half of my friendships...starbucks. this was a really great job. i worked with individuals who i could relate to on an age respected level. things they experienced i too was experiencing, that sorta thing. but the main point of this story is not the same issues but rather the lifestyle and the spending habits i was accustomed to. i was living on a certain income and liz and i both had to stick to a budget because at that time we were not the most wealthy couple, nor were we trying to be. i can remember the moment i got the job at the church and i was so excited to not just do something i had been wanting to do since i was in high school but i was getting a pay raise. naturally with more money came the bigger spending appetite. this isn't wrong so much as it is just stupid. ignorance is the best word to describe the latter moments of spending. i truly wish i could have been content with my spending as though i was making the same income from starbucks. if i could have done that i would be at a fantastic place today. maybe paying for my school with cash, who knows. 

i have really been able to live without things i thought in previous years i couldn't live without. i can't think of too many examples. some that come to mind are those moments i am driving home, or to a certain destination, and i feel a craving for a short extra hot, hot chocolate...no whip. i now have to stop myself, i now have to deny my craving. other examples are those times i am invited to go to a place in arlington on sunday nights that offer half price selections from the food menu. this invitation, via text message, is followed by countless seconds of desire and contemplation as to how i might be able to scrounge up a few extra bucks from somewhere and head on out to meet my mates. you know those moments you get a message from someone that says a bunch of people are going to hang at a certain location and you really would love to go and be apart and that next 5-10 minutes where you are thinking if it would be wise to spend your money on that order of boneless buffalo wings? this may all seem elementary to everyone else. i might be the only one who suffers. i for one find it very difficult to say no to the possibility of banter and sarcasm i would soon join in on. i don't encourage a life of abandoning those life giving moments to the soul with friends spending money. i think i had just been thinking i could not live without them. which i can.

what i am thinking is the same principle that involves people with weight loss issues, or bad health issues and food. i think it is rather humorous for individuals who pray for a health issue to be broken or relieved when they follow the crowd to double dave's pizza house. you see the irony in this thinking? one who wants god to do a miracle and when he (god) probably would if that person would do their part in taking care of the very body god gave them to live. maybe you don't think like that. i don't know. i still wonder and ask questions though. i think my situation is similar in the fact that i have been asking god to break through in my finances all the while spending frivolously on hot chocolates! i have some big dreams in the very near future. these dreams are not complicated for the god i serve but i believe i could make them complicated; i can continue to contribute to the frivolousness and complicate my point of view on who god is. meanwhile god in his awesome love and desire is trying to bring me to a point of complete deconstruction in order to reconstruct my life to fulfill what the desires he has put on my heart to begin with. i love that. he would rather deconstruct me, cause he loves me too much, to deal with the issues than let me be and continue growing in life guessing at whether or not he is ever gonna be there, or he is ever gonna supply.