Monday, May 9, 2011

when i turn

sitting here in my apartment i am trying to think of clever words to construct a well thought out story or possibly a grand revelation i have received this week for my life 30 years in. note that it is very difficult to gather thoughts when you decided to not take your child to school and therefore he is home with you. nevertheless this post will be one of transparency...

i love stories that tell of individuals across the world having dreams and in the middle of that dream jesus christ comes to them and reveals who he is. these reports are happening more and more. it stirs me most when it happens to muslims and i can't explain why but i get stirred every time i witness a radical islamic individual come to know the lord through this process of a dream.

i am hanging on to a music dream. i remember the first time i was asked to be apart of levi smith's worship team. it changed my life forever. i also remember him talking about the difference between music as a hobby and music as a calling. i have embraced it as a calling, and hope that even if i never make the "big" stage, i have been able to get into places and reveal the love of god through music ministry. it seems to serve me well.

one day i hope to write a book. my thoughts are about a book that defends how natural the spiritual really is (or at least how god wanted the spiritual to be natural). i know this may be a long process. thanks to gary benjamin i am well on my way as of very recently. this book, i hope, will serve as a help book for professional counselors and pastors that are not professional.

i still wonder many times if i am doing what god had designed for me. call it insecurity, call it immaturity, or call it stupidity but i know i won't let go of him.

i still wonder if i had pursued a soccer career if i would be playing in top tier clubs right now. i hate that i am turning 30 and should be in the prime of my physique and can barely get out of bed some mornings cause my legs are hurting and my back aches.

i do love that in a world of technological advancement (even beyond our control). i am still not caring too much for the next latest toy or trinket. i hold dear to my journal of leather and tree. however, i do prefer the moleskine, which i guess would be considered the technological advancement of someone who enjoys writing.

often there are times in my life when i want people to recognize my intellect, wit, humor, and achievements. i will even do things in order to gain this recognition...crazy huh?

i type the word "the" like this sometimes "teh" and don't catch it (it also happens with "from" being "form").

whenever i think i may have offended someone i will not be able to go to sleep until i know that it has been made right.

right now at this very moment i hate that i cannot provide for my family the way i should when compared to all the rest of the men i know in my life.

i am not in a hurry anymore.

i could easily live with my parents the rest of my life.

i always want to be on the front line of ministry; knowing what god is doing, knowing the politics of the whole thing.

i aspire to write an ambient album that is used for meditation on the word of god.

gel pens (sanford uni-ball 207 gel pen) make my writers mind go crazy. i love them and can never have enough.

if only i could learn your language in a matter of days.

despite knowing the warnings of too much money, i still want more of it to do the things that would be fun.

i constantly struggle with the "us" versus "them" mentality and i like to correct others when they take this strategy.

i still bite my fingernails despite the health warnings.

i wish i could get rid of my "muffin top" torso. and i don't understand how my arms can stay so chiseled.

i often wonder if beards and long hair will ever be acceptable to all cultures as an acceptable business like professional appearance. then again, if it did i probably would do something else just to be counter-culture.

i still remember going to south by southwest with my best friends who let me tag along with them and having the time of my life.

i still remember wishing that an elder at my church would ask me to go to another country with them as they did with my friends, and then getting that chance with my pastor jon dunn. it still brings tears of joy to my eyes.

i remember when i kept wanting to go back into doing things for the ministry after feeling like i would get burned and burned again and liz would get frustrated because she loved me and didn't want me to get hurt again.

i remember being "the guitar tech" for my best friends' band radiant. even though i didn't know more than how to change the strings and tune the guitars. every night i would go to help them at a show i felt so important. this opportunity made me think that i could be in a band one day but i didn't want to right away because i didn't want to stop helping radiant.

i remember when my dad found out i smoked cigarette's and he said, "if you have them in this house you better throw them out or i will throw you out!"

i remember the day i got a phone call from my friend david lancashire who said he wanted to pay my salary to be able to continue working at shady grove.

i remember when i bought, my then girlfriend, liz a new dvd player and blue crush. we watched it in her living room and i felt like i did the greatest thing ever.

1996 state champs! 1998 my senior year i remember having to play center forward to help put our team 3rd in state after losing our star keeper and center forward having to play keeper to replace him. i scored two goals that i will never forget. i also remember having a break away with a guy right on me and due to our athletic shorts being so ridiculous my "package" almost was exposed due to the shorts riding up on me mid sprint. it could have been a hat trick.

more to come...

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