Thursday, March 11, 2010

3:10 to fatherhood

upon watching 3:10 to yuma i found a chord was struck in my heart that left my pillow drenched in tears and my heart searching for consolation. this chord was the chord of desire for my son's to see me as great in their life. this chord was struck and echoed loudly inside my life, at its current state, and thoughts of the future relationship that only time would tell. as the tears fell my heart was ignited by a different fire that seemed unfamiliar to my previous burning experiences. and this was my thought:

i want my sons to want me. i desire them to appreciate me. i desire to be the answer to the question of strongest influence in their life. when the question posed as to who their role model/hero is, i would hope that their answer would, uninhibitedly, without a shadow of doubt, be me. i can't even imagine waking up tomorrow and one of my sons not. death and physical separation scares me and thinking about how i have one more day with them prompts my praise to the ever lasting father. i can't even imagine waking up 10 years from now and just the same, emotionally dead, unengaged w/ my boys. i fear that as much as i fear natural death or separation from them. dutch could not tell you what an emotional connection would be or how to achieve it. he only knows how to manifest behavior to inform me when he is not getting a connection. the realization to its form and appearance comes with age and yet, the longing and desire seems to increase, and still yet, fulfillment comes in different forms and avenues. he keeps me guessing. he keeps me watching and looking to see if he is in need is a better way to say it. one of the scenes in the movie has the lead character, dan evans, in a situation where he could potentially be bought out of the situation. his response to the $200 buy off is, "you know, this whole's been egging on me. that's what the government gave me for my leg - $198.36 and the funny thing is that...when you think about it, which i have been lately, is they weren't paying me to walk away, they were paying me so they could walk away."

i sit back and contemplate how many fathers actually pay attention to their kids so their kids can walk away feeling satisfied. or do the fathers pay attention so they can walk away feeling satisfied. just 5 minutes here and there seems to suffice the fathers belief that they have properly vested enough into their child. how gravely the wake up call will be 10 years time when they have emotionally been dead to their child causing a vast separation that seems hopeless in repair.

how divine god must really be in his search for his son's to see him as great! and his errors are not as our earthly father's consistently promise...he is always reaching to connect to us for our sakes.

1 comment:

becki said...

wonderful post, and I think the fact that you are even concerned about this speaks volumes about the kind of dad you are and will be in the future. :)