3:10 to fatherhood

upon watching 3:10 to yuma i found a chord was struck in my heart that left my pillow drenched in tears and my heart searching for consolation. this chord was the chord of desire for my son's to see me as great in their life. this chord was struck and echoed loudly inside my life, at its current state, and thoughts of the future relationship that only time would tell. as the tears fell my heart was ignited by a different fire that seemed unfamiliar to my previous burning experiences. and this was my thought:

i want my sons to want me. i desire them to appreciate me. i desire to be the answer to the question of strongest influence in their life. when the question posed as to who their role model/hero is, i would hope that their answer would, uninhibitedly, without a shadow of doubt, be me. i can't even imagine waking up tomorrow and one of my sons not. death and physical separation scares me and thinking about how i have one more day with them prompts my praise to the ever lasting father. i can't even imagine waking up 10 years from now and just the same, emotionally dead, unengaged w/ my boys. i fear that as much as i fear natural death or separation from them. dutch could not tell you what an emotional connection would be or how to achieve it. he only knows how to manifest behavior to inform me when he is not getting a connection. the realization to its form and appearance comes with age and yet, the longing and desire seems to increase, and still yet, fulfillment comes in different forms and avenues. he keeps me guessing. he keeps me watching and looking to see if he is in need is a better way to say it. one of the scenes in the movie has the lead character, dan evans, in a situation where he could potentially be bought out of the situation. his response to the $200 buy off is, "you know, this whole ride...it's been egging on me. that's what the government gave me for my leg - $198.36 and the funny thing is that...when you think about it, which i have been lately, is they weren't paying me to walk away, they were paying me so they could walk away."

i sit back and contemplate how many fathers actually pay attention to their kids so their kids can walk away feeling satisfied. or do the fathers pay attention so they can walk away feeling satisfied. just 5 minutes here and there seems to suffice the fathers belief that they have properly vested enough into their child. how gravely the wake up call will be 10 years time when they have emotionally been dead to their child causing a vast separation that seems hopeless in repair.

how divine god must really be in his search for his son's to see him as great! and his errors are not as our earthly father's consistently promise...he is always reaching to connect to us for our sakes.

03/04

{03/04/04}

look at the truth of our own mistakes bringing our knees to the cross in this entry i found from my past.

i feel i have opened the door to certain things and in this the enemy has moved in and allowed more "things" to take over my life. i feel james 4:4-10 discusses my conclusion. lord cleanse my hands and purify my heart so i may be humbled before you. miserable i feel, miserable and weak do i feel. and i want this feeling to humiliate me.

i am not sure what the "thing" was but in reality it makes no difference. the issue was with the heart being lured into idolatry. the passage in james is the firm declaration of the jealousy of god. i love this as it starts in vs. 4 calling me an adulteress. then hitting me with the awareness of god's broken heart of jealousy towards my actions and doing what he does best to draw us in to him.

{03/04/09}

this was in part of a message i was working on concerning purity.

romans 6:19

before christ we used our bodily members/agents to walk in unrighteousness. now, because of the death and resurrection we now use those members to pursue righteousness.

sin management mode

controlling sin - "i won't do that anymore," or "i will abstain from that"

sin is put to death by beholding christ more and more

paul is saying instead of using the members of the body to try and manage sin, chase righteousness with those very members.

i continue to be amazed at the place god has brought me through the cleansing power of his cross. and the emphasis continues to be on what he has done.

03/02/05

i was able to dig out some of my journal entries from when i started journaling. this one was on this day in '05:

i wanna sing a new song oh lord. a song of a new hope. a song of new revelation. a song of new destiny for this generation. a song of desperation to grow in our faith and confidence in you the unfailing god. so i praise you oh lord. i give you honor and a word beyond recognition. i pray your face and name would be known beyond the recognition of who we know you to be (meaning a deeper revelation of him). more than what we have known. more than what we have tasted, more than what we have seen. a song of new glory. the some anointing grace but in a new way. lord prepare me oh lord for this song of glorification to you.

awaken me oh god to your peace and give me a hope that this glory in which we sing about would fall through the heavens and hit us like a violent wave of the ocean hits the land. let us not be able to contain it and let it be so intoxicating to where we choose to jump in and be soaked by your presence.

oh lord break me

oh lord break me

oh lord break me

oh lord break me

oh lord break me

oh lord break me

heavy stuff even for me now at this point. i can't really remember what it was i was going thru or was praying about but none the less i know god was doing something.

wrath 2

i think we limit our understanding of god and his awesome power when we cloak him with the anthropomorphic language we commonly use for him. we get this from seeing responses of others and even in the church these attributes are all to often not different from the pagan societies we are quick to slander. the tendency is to look at human attributes and because man is the closest creation to god's likeness we accredit what man accomplishes in his emotions to the likeness of god. this is a problem. because we are a fallen race and although an image of our creator a broken and fractured icon at best.

but when scripture speaks of god anthropomorphically, it does not imply that the limitations and imperfections which belong to the personal characteristics of us sinful creatures belong also to the corresponding qualities in our holy creator; rather, it takes for granted that they do not

so this explains that god's responses and actions are not the same motives and findings you might find in many of the actions amongst the created man. it's not foolish, immoral, impulsive retribution as you would find amongst your peers. it is always a right and a necessary response or reaction to moral evil, thus god's anger is only present when righteously warranted. i pose this question as j. i. packer states, would a god who took as much pleasure in evil as he did in good be a good god? god's wrath is always judicial and therefore a righteous judge administering justice. which is what we ferociously pray for?