this was the year...

i am trying to find this balance. i like balance, i think it is healthy, i see balance in some of the most fundamental elements of creation and humanity in general. obviously there is a steady dose of imbalance; the daily news presents that message quite clear. but i am trying to look past that, consequently, looking past the loudest message (which is not always god) is an ever important task of walking according to the spirit. the created order, however, does illustrate a brilliant picture of balance according to our heavenly father: just enough light, just enough darkness; just enough oxygen, just enough carbon dioxide; just enough acid, just enough alkali; just enough regularity to make life somewhat predictable, just enough surprises to make life unpredictable. "in this way, god makes a unique environment in which each one of us is ideally capable of making the spiritual progress each of us is called to make" (bread and water, wine and oil). it is a my grace is sufficient kind of mentality.

my worldview has been shaped with this idea that i have to look outside myself for answers to certain questions. my experience is limited, so i ask someone else, older and wiser, but likewise, their experience is also limited; better than mine but still limited. i need the authority of the word of god in my life.

conventional wisdom is a teacher and lectures me on many things: don't touch the stove, dress appropriately for weddings, don't drink red bull at 9pm when i should be winding down. conventional wisdom instructs more on the bigger issues of life as well: don't marry a witch, teach my children the concept of sharing and giving, etc.

so with conventional wisdom is their a balance? i guess more so along the lines of conventional wisdom and faith. are these two things going to line up always? are they mutually exclusive? i struggle sometimes with the balance of conventional wisdom and faith. my mind wants to separate them. not that i will make them enemies of each other but i will struggle at times to decide whether a certain decision is wisdom, faith, or just plain lunacy. because wisdom tells me that right now is not a good time to venture into the borders of iran. it would take an incredible amount of faith to go. and reading the great testimonies of our biblical heroes sometimes doesn't help either. but then i come to a part where a man who, while in captivity, will not defile himself with the kings choice foods and as a consequence, he flourishes; testifying to wisdom and faith in harmony.

around this time last year, liz and i received the news, from her body, that she was pregnant. it was shocking, surprising, and a little scary. we certainly did not plan on getting pregnant, it just happened. a few weeks later we realized she must have had a miscarriage because again, her body told us. my spirit at that time, in all honesty had a sigh of relief. i wasn't ready to do the parent thing again. i kind of feel bad for even saying that i had a sigh of relief. well a few weeks ago her body spoke up again...she right now is 12 weeks pregnant!

well, when liz told me i could tell she was a little excited about this. me?...well, i am ok now but it is stretching me. and here is why...

this was the year we would be potty training titus and no more diapers (parents know this landmark is monumental)

this was the year both of them would start school and the house would be empty

this was the year my work day would be open for me to start pursuing and building projects within ministry

this was the year my wife was going to finally be free from a 9-5 job and be by my side IN the ministry daily

this was the year the ministry we had envisioned before we moved would take a clearer form

i am not at all upset about a child, having to love something else, or the gift of a life. these things don't shake me. in fact, i am the type of person who is not concerned with introducing a new and unexperienced life into a world that is so teeming with wickedness. that challenge doesn't bother me. the criticism i might receive from those who look at the actual ability to get pregnant and look at the glass half full optimism is not what this is about, so you can save that comment.

we honestly were doing almost everything we could to ensure a pregnancy would not happen. yet despite our efforts to guarantee it wouldn't happen, it did. i know that is not coincidence but god. it's funny because i still feel "this was the year..." and my faith tells me that this year is not over, but my conventional wisdom says something completely different. so, yeah, balance...

short foolishness with no room for cream

there is a new starbucks in belgium. it is located in the central train station in downtown brussels. i have taken the boys on the train to meet up with liz on her way home from work a few times. it is good for the boys and for us to venture into our american embassy. the last time we did this i went into the cafe area to get our drinks while liz stayed on the outer part of the store. there is ALWAYS a line. this one wasn't too bad but as i was standing there waiting i noticed a tall, nicely dressed man standing to my right and i was getting the impression he was trying to cut. in my mind i was thinking, "who does this guy think he is?" i certainly was not dressed to impress and that fear of trying to be intimidated by a "business" man was creeping in my head. he sensed the tension and proceeded to tell me that he was in line before but had forgotten what his friend had wanted and so he tried to quickly return to his spot.

yeah, i wasn't born yesterday, get the heck outta here into the back of the line!!!

no, i didn't say that, i wanted to but then a sudden rush came over me..."buy his and his friends coffee." wait, what? again i felt it, "buy their drinks." i then asked the guy what his friend wanted and he told me. i said to him "well, let me buy your friends drink and yours." he bursted out in laughter, and when i say bursted that is an understatement. IT. WAS. LOUD. i thought for split second to decline the offer simply based on this obnoxious, loud laugh but i couldn't. i told him i was serious and i wanted to bless him and his friend. he said ok.

he then asked me where i was from and where i was going. i told him i lived in belgium and moved here to be a missionary. he said, "oh really." i said i wanted to train young people in the word of god. he said, "which god?" i said, "the god the bible talks about." he casually said, "ah, but they are different." i told him we could talk more when we were able to sit and enjoy our coffee.

he confessed to wanting to be a missionary when he was a kid and i responded by telling him i wanted to be a navy seal. as it turned out he was a lawyer and his friend was a mathematician. so here i was going to try and reveal the truth of jesus to two guys who would love to debate faith and justice. we didn't ever really debate but we did talk about faith and god. i told him my only intent in buying their drinks was because i wanted to show them an act of generosity in the name of jesus christ (i speculate that being a lawyer he didn't need my charity for the sake of cultural enjoyment). a seed was sown, and i felt at peace in my spirit as to where i left it.

i realize his fault, as mine on many occasion which is not the pursuit of knowledge, but the love of knowledge over everything else. sometimes i catch myself loving knowledge and even in the moments when i need to be reading scripture as the food for my soul i will venture off sometimes i start to think how great a teaching "this" could be, or "that." all in all, at the end of the day i am only as smart as the next guy who walks in the room; my knowledge is very, very, very, limited. it is hard to admit this but someone will always be more educated. that is the struggle for so many; pursuing knowledge until they literally kill themselves. i will leave you with this...for those who love knowledge so much.

1 corinthians 1:27 - ...god has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise...

i just hope i was foolish enough for jesus to shame every ounce of wisdom those men thought they had.