i need my mommy

this has been two weeks where i wish i had my mom around. most definitely one of the biggest perks of having family close to where you live is the occasions where the primary caregivers (liz and myself) are not at their most optimal level and passing them off to another trusted member of the extended family is a sure relief...everytime. even so, my family is better than that. they would change plans 5 minutes before anything just so that i could drop my children off for whatever reason i needed.

titus has been sick the last month or so which we recently found a new tooth so some of the infirmity is due to the whole biology of getting a new tooth for children (fevers, runny noses, and those little nuances that accompany whiney children). for some strange reason a head cold thought it best to make a grand appearance as well. so we have a 2 year old who is spending a good 4 hours a night, in total, hacking a lung up, whining about the snot that is pouring from his nasal cavity, and absolutely relentless in wanting mommy to sleep in his bed with him. because i am such a great husband i have given up my side of the bed to this little ball of bacteria. this allows liz to, at least, get sleep in the comfort of her own bed. otherwise, she is sharing a bed with a thrashing, snot nosed, lung hacking, 101 fevered chunk on a bed no wider than a brief case. me?...i am on the couch. and i want MY mommy!!!

dutch, he has been a perfect angel. it seems when he is sick it usually consists of him doing ab-so-lute-ly NOTHING. he just sits on the couch and watches movies. this is great in my opinion. he doesn't whine, he doesn't throw fits about his nose, he falls asleep randomly but the only bad thing is he will not take medicine, of ANY kind. he too has been sick this last week. coughing in the middle of the night and a few days with fevers off and on. he is most definitely my favorite to take care of when he is sick. last week he was on holiday from school but had to spend a few days home doing nothing because he was sick. i don't need my mommy as bad when i am dealing with dutch.

liz, besides being pregnant, is suffering for jesus in a 9-5 job. except the equivalency of her 9-5 is 7am-6.30pm (public transportation). but as of the last few days she too has come down with something. today she is running a fever and her body is aching. all this after a massive cleaning weekend. she diligently cleaned the apt. i would have helped but had an explosive ministry weekend (friday speaking engagement, saturday all day prep for explosion gathering, sunday morning helping lead worship at the local church and afternoon 9th hr staff mtg). what this girl really needs is a night out on the town with yours truly. and for a night on the town...i need my mommy (thanks to my best friend al, i can substitute her for this weekend).

even as i write this i know that if my mom had the funds she would have been here last week. i would even put money on her applying for citizenship behind my back just to be close right this very second. i could never be as good a mother as she is. but for some strange reason i am forced, at this particular moment in my existence, to try and fulfill that role in my family.

if only i felt the release to share my most intimate feelings about the last month in my house. maybe one day you will be able to peruse through my personal journal without me knowing, or maybe my son will get a hold of it during his teenage years and post them on facebook as a way to get back at me. all in all i am walking in a great awareness of the lords patience. even when i have my words with him in the middle of the night as titus sounds like his throat is spewing out a hairball. i always think of that scene in the movie the apostle when he is frustrated and angry at the lord. i have had those very sessions (usually with tears) this month quite frequently. but i always, ALWAYS have a peace after those moments. i have never been frustrated, angry, or disappointed while talking with the lord and then not have his spirit comfort me the rest of the day. just so we are clear though, i am every bit as unyielding with what pertains to my selfishness and pride as i am to what i ask god to do for my circumstances. i hope that the prayers of the saints can be more willing for god to change their perspective/attitude than they would want him to change their circumstances. i am incredibly selfish and so much of my need is god changing my perspective.

just a thought for the month of love.

throw me a lifeline will you

i love that joke about the guy who is floating along in a lifeboat because his boat had sunk in the middle of the ocean and he is asking god to rescue him. have you heard this one? he asks god to help him, well, low-and-behold a ship comes by, a cruise liner with tons of room, and the lone stranded captain of the lifeboat says, "no thanks, god will save me." another ship comes sailing along, this one an oil tanker, and the man again says, "no thanks, my god is big enough to save me." the man prays again, "lord save me from this circumstance." another boat comes cruising by, this one a cargo ship, and the man says again, "no thank you, my faith tells me that god will supply my need of rescuing." well, the guy drowns. i know sad story. he goes to heaven and is frustrated with god and asks him, "why didn't you save me, i prayed and prayed for rescue?!?!" gods response is simply, "you dummy i sent three large vessels to go by you and you didn't get on any of them!"

i am sure god wouldn't call anyone a dummy whatever the case. but i like this joke because it describes me far too often. maybe that is why i think about it more than most jokes. i am definitely the kind of person that will not ask for help and then get mad at you for not helping.

here is the logic in my head:

you should notice the need before i should have to ask.

this gets me into trouble because it shows that i am really wanting people to pay attention to me more than they should. i like to think that i watch out for others needs and that i attend to them even if they don't ask. but the truth is i don't pay attention as much as i think i do. many times i feel like i am stretching far more than anyone else is and especially when i am without everyday commodities that others have taken for granted. part of me takes pride in a "suffering for jesus" kind of mentality; and there it is again, that word, "pride." it is really hard to take pride in suffering for jesus if no one will notice how hard i am suffering. all that to say thank you lord for continuing to teach me humility because no one should be impressed with my suffering for your names sake.

all of this leads to a grumbling and complaining spirit. comparing what you have to others and possibly exhibiting jealous outbursts. you may still be able to get things done but not as quickly nor with the same amount of fervor as if you had just let god do what god does instead of trying to play god yourself. if this ideology is in your worldview then it really messes with you. when encountering others who genuinely struggle with generosity your worldview of you should know my needs will really not blend well with that individual.

and we begin to ask...

where is my provision,

where is my break through,

where is my blessing and ultimately

where is my JUSTICE?

uh-oh, justice, JUSTICE!?!?!? yes this has been my deduction. i am looking forward to teaching my son fairness/justice. i think he is getting it and who knows maybe i won't have to teach him that lesson. but ultimately i have to look at "the word" and because i am a sinner what i deserve is hell. thank god i don't have to receive that. so with everything else that pertains to what god gives and what he is providing, i must look and measure, according to the cross of christ, my actions and not the deeds of others.

my conclusion is that i have freely been given, therefore too i must freely give away. the measure of generosity received is proportionate to the generosity given. this is just one more of those axioms that seem to clash with how the real world operates. jesus was constantly asking and doing, i might add most sublimely, what he saw as an exact demonstration and operation of the kingdom of heaven. but this should not be of any surprise because he is the radiance of his glory and the exact representation of his nature (hebrews 1:3).

finally brethren rejoice, be made complete, be comforted, be like-minded, live in peace; and the god of love and peace shall be with you (2 cor. 13:11).